IF: Date Hard
by 90k9
Summary: Can't a lady just have a normal date?


Iffy x Compa

Iffy nervously put on her grey dress and signature blue jacket. She put her handgun into her shoulder holster and a few magazines into her inner jacket pocket. She also strapped a knife down to her foot and more magazines onto a thigh holster. And for good measure, she snuck another handgun and knife on another holster under her jacket.

"Jeez Iffy do you really need to bring that much?" Asked Neptune as she skipped her way down the stairs eating pudding.

Iffy had planned this date for a while. Planning exactly which places to go. Which places to avoid. What to buy for Compa. What movies to watch. Etc. Iffy grabbed the keys to her motorcycle and put on her sunglasses.

"Neptune, this is an important date for me. Please stop nagging me about it" Iffy responded in an annoyed tone.

"I'm just saying Iffy, this is sounding more like a proposal than a date" Neptune wittingly retorted as she slid across the floor next to IF as she still ate her pudding

"W-what!? Shut up Neptune!" Yelled Iffy as she stormed into the garage with a tomato-red face. IF sped out of the basilicom and onto the freeway.

"Stupid Neptune" IF yelled as she accelerated the speed of her bike.

 _Elsewhere_

"I don't know how I feel about this Ge-Ge" Compa said nervously. Nepgear's outfit for Compa consisted of a peached colored suit jacket. Complimented by a light red dress shirt and a pink tie. Her bottom had a peach red dress and peach colored lace-stockings that had hearts and were topped off by high-heels.

"This outfit will TOTALLY impress Iffy. She'll absolutely swoon to your feet" Screamed Nepgear as she jumped up and down excitedly as her eyes sparkled.

"I don't know Ge-Ge, these stockings seem a bit too on the nose" Compa said worryingly.

"That's the point ya silly nurse! You two are _bound_ to end up in a love-hotel tonight!"

"Well I guess you're right, just as my grandpa said. If you can impress em with your legs, they're bound to come between em." Compa dusted off her skirt and grabbed the keys to her moped scooter. "Thanks for your help Nepgear!"

Compa's phone rang and the number calling belonged to IF. "I just left the basilicom, are you there yet?" IF's call sounded a bit rough due to the fact she just left a tunnel, as well as the sounds of other cars roaring left and right. "Oh no, I haven't even left my house yet, I'll leave now!"

Compa immediately panicked and jumped onto her scooter. "Sorry Ge-Ge but she's already on her way, I don't think you'll be able to pack the strap-on and lube in time!" yelled Compa as she left her garage. Nepgear rushed outside, a small heart-shaped bag swinging around her shoulder. "Wait Compa! I just finished!" Compa yelled back "You'll have to drop it off later, if you can!". Compa's words drowned out the further she got from her house. Nepgear sighed and went back inside.

"What were you doing with Compa, Nepgear?" Asked Uni as she walked into the living room where Nepgear sat down. "Well Compa was supposed to take this bag with her to her date with IF, buuut" Nepgear opened the bag and turned to Uni with a seductive face. "I don't suppose you're feeling a bit heated as well?". Uni immediately turned red as soon as she saw the contents of the bag, she then tackled Nepgear, pinning her down on the couch as they started to make-out.

 _Also elsewhere_

"Hey Rat! Any news on that pesky guild member that keeps snitching us out!" Screamed Linda as she exited the shower with a towel wrapped around her body.

"Oh you're going to love this, chu. The bitch is going on a date with someone, we can't find out who that person is but they're meeting by the Goddess fountain in the central shopping district, chu" Warechu excitingly showed the information to Linda as he chomped on a square of cheese.

Linda put on her on her usual outfit and pulled out her trusty iron-pipe and carried it over her shoulder. "Not too shabby ya lil rodent. Go bite on this as a reward." Linda threw a small block of cheese toward Warechu. The devious mouse chomped up the block in fell bite. "Where will you go, chu?"

Linda turned her head back to Warechu and smirked "I'm going on a date with disaster". Warechu scoffed at the terrible one-liner "If you want to kill one of them you should just tell them your one-liners. They're bound to kill themselves out of sheer cringe."

Linda exited the lair in a rush and slammed the door. "Pfft, whatever rat. Once I break that idiot-brunette's kneecaps I ought a get myself a promotion from CFW Magic!"

 _At the Planeptune shopping district_

"Iffy!" Yelled Compa as she ran toward IF, her hips swayed left and right, and her purse jiggled up and down. IF examined Compa's outfit and blushed immediately. "How the hell did she find out that I **fucking Love** lace thigh-highs!" she thought to herself

Compa hugged IF the moment she was within arms-length. IF wrapped her arms around Compa's head in response. "Howya doing girl, everything holding up well?" Compa nestled her head into IF's chest, IF started to get a little heated and patted Compa's head as a sign to stop. When Compa let go, she immediately felt embarrassed at the situation that just occurred.

"I'm so sorry Iffy! I just go too excited and-" IF patted Compa's shoulder. "It's all right, I'm real excited to see you too." Responded IF in a cool and calm tone.

"Anyways, first on the agenda is to find a place to eat." IF said as she read off the list on her phone. "Oh, oh Iffy, there's this place that I really like! It has probably the best pizza in all of Planeptune, maybe even Gamindustri!" Compa grabbed IF's arm and ran to the fabled pizza parlor. IF smiled and laughed as she was dragged along.

 _Meanwhile_

"Euagh! There ya go you big bastard!" Whispered Linda to herself as she dumped a half naked unconscious man into a dumpster. She took off her hoodie and put on his chef outfit. A click came from the radio that was on strapped on to her thigh. Linda picked it up and responded. "This better be the right place, rodent." "It is, I picked up their conversation as I tapped into IF's phone. Dumb bitch didn't realize that connecting to a mall's wi-fi only makes it easier for me! Chu." Warechu confidently proclaimed. All-right, we may have a minor problem." Linda said as she stepped in the kitchen. "I have absolutely NO idea how to cook pizza." Warechu sighed in disappointment. "Dammit Chu! I guess you'll have to wing things out." Linda shut off her radio and put it into the stomach pocket of the chef's outfit.

 _IF and Compa enter the parlor_

"Oh this place looks fancy" remarked IF as she stepped into the parlor. The place had delicate golden chandeliers that lit up the room, as well as a red carpet that led to the start of the ordering area. "The great thing about this place is that we can customize our pizza and the cooks will organize the food right in front of us.

"Huh" IF felt impressed by the parlor's confidence in its staff and work ethics. As the couple reached the line, they notice the cook had a familiar look to them. Compa noticed one of the chefs struggling to flip the pizza in the air. "Poor girl, its probably her first day." Compa said in a sympathetic tone. The grey-skinned newbie managed to flip the pizza perfectly into place and the rest of the kitchen clapped for her. Compa cheered her on as her eyes sparkled in amazement. IF scoffed and looked up at the menu. "Not bad, kid" IF whispered to herself the cashier approached the couple and asked for their order. The two lovebirds picked what toppings they wanted and what amount they wanted of each. They slowly went down the isle until their order was down. IF pulled out her wallet and paid for both her and Compa's meal.

"How nice of you to pay for both of us Iffy!" Compa said as she held both of IF's hands. IF sat across the table from her, they stared into each-other's eyes for a little bit until Compa started to laugh out of embarrassment. IF smirked "I win the staring contest" asserted IF. "No fair, Iffy you were making me laugh!" pouted the peach haired nurse. The couple then continued to talk about what's been going on in their lives. The topics ranged from the CPUs and the adventures that they had with them.

One of the chefs approached the table with both of their meals on a tray. IF looked at the chef suspiciously. "Have we met before?" Linda turned to IF with a surprised look. "Uh-uh no, not that I n-know of!" She quickly put down their plates and ran back into the kitchen.

 _Back outside the parlor_

"Damn, that was too close, hopefully I spiked the right pizza. Hey rodent! Do you got eyes inside the parlor?". "Nah, all the security cameras are outside, chu." "Dammit Rat, get to the damn escape vehicle, I'll capture the hostage by force if things go downhill." "Got it, Chu!"

 _Back inside the parlor_

"Hey Iffy, that guy next to us doesn't look too well" IF turned to see a man clutching his stomach with skin that looked dead-pale. He then collapsed to the floor and everyone nearby started to panic.

"Ah hell!" Yelled IF as Compa ran toward the sick man. IF Pulled up the man and rested him on the seats of a nearby booth. IF had already called emergency services to their location. "Uhh IF, I don't mean to waste your money, but I can't say I'm too comfortable eating the rest of my pizza" "Me and you both, girl" remarked IF.

The couple left the parlor and walked around the rest of the mall, Compa leaned on IF's shoulder as they walked in and out of various stores. Compa went on a little shopping spree and IF had to carry all the bags. "Geez Compa" IF said as she struggled to life up all the bags in the air. "How the hell are we going to get all of this to your house." Compa cheerfully smiled back to Iffy "I'll ask Neptune and the others to help with that."

Compa and IF stopped by a nearby movie theatre. The featured presentation was a movie called _Sparrow May Cry._ IF pulled out her phone and read out a description of the movie.

 _Caught between Worlds: Nue Houjuu, a mysterious_

 _Alien who emerged from the ground after an earth_

 _shattering quake hit Gensokyo, finds herself in_

 _love with a beautiful night sparrow, Mystia Lorelei_

 _who has the Voice of an angel. But one of_

 _Nue's superiors disapproves of her relationship!_

 _Nue, conflicted with her love and her loyalty,_

 _must decide between family and promises in this_

 _action-packed drama!_

"Wow, that's quite the description!"exclaimed Compa. IF shook her head but giggled, knowing that this would probably be some generic romance-drama. But she wanted to make Compa's night a memorable one, and agreed to watch the movie with her.

 _Linda, who was operating the ticket booth._

"I gotcha this time you stupid lovebirds!" Linda radioed in with Warechu "They're going to that stupid action-romance movie with the alien and the bird. Theatre No. 5 to the left!" "Hey that movie isn't stupid, chu. I cried like hell at the end of it! Chu"

"Whatever ya stupid rat, poison their popcorn or something!" Warechu, who was working at the convenience stand nodded and pulled out his poison vial.

 _Compa and IF enter the lobby_

"I'll head to the theatre and save us some seats" shouted Compa as she ran. "All-right, I'll get us some popcorn". IF suspiciously walked towards the concession stand as she noticed that no-one was there. She rang the bell a few times and there was still no answer. Suddenly a giant batch of popcorn flopped its way onto the counter. "Here's your popcorn, chu."

IF stepped back in shock. "What the?! Where the hell are you!?" "I'm a mouse silly, I'm going to be smaller than the table." "Why the hell is a mouse working at the concession stand!?" "Mouse's gotta get jobs also, chu. The popcorns on the house since we got extra tonight, its not like they cost much anyway"

IF took the bucket and walked away still giving a suspicious glance at the stand. She dumped the bucket in a trashcan at the entrance to the theatre. She entered the theatre and searched for Compa, who was sitting in the middle of the 2nd highest row. "Nice seats girl." Complimented IF. "Well it wasn't too hard to get these seats. The movie's been about for almost a month now. What happened to the popcorn?" "Nobody was the concession stand".

 _Linda, at the ticket booth 2 hours later_

"Any minute now!" Linda scanned her watch impatiently. "I swear to god, if that rodent messed up, I'm going to personally step on his neck!". She turned to her right and a surge of adrenaline and rage scourged through her head.

 _Compa and IF, after exiting the movie house_

Compa was patting IF on the back, who started crying after the movie ended. "How the hell do you just kill off the alien like that *sniff*, she just wanted to fall in loooooove!" wailed IF as they walked out the mall. "Its okay Iffy, we just need to remember that its ultimately the sacrifices and hardships that we go through, that make a relationship beautiful. Not the silly things like menial conversations and gifts. IF wiped her eyes on her sleeve and turned to Compa. "You really think so?" Compa embraced her hand against IF's cheek, who appeared shorter than her because of her heels. "Of course IF, and I don't want you to ever doubt yourself when things go badly. Because maybe the worst happens to us because the best is yet to come."

IF held on to Compa's hand which was embracing her cheek and wrapped her other arm around Compa's back. "Compa…" IF stood on her toes to match up to Compa's height, and leaned towards her, preparing for a kiss. Compa blushed and closed her eyes. "Iffy…".

Suddenly, a sharp pain echoed through IF's back. "IF!" Compa looked forward to see Linda, wielding an iron pipe, had just struck IF in the back. "Underling!" Shouted Compa. Linda tackled Compa and put a bag over her head. "Warechu!" the ASIC underling yelled. Warechu pulled up behind Linda with a motorcycle and a sidecar. Linda tied up Compa and put her on the sidecar. She jumped onto the main seat as Warechu climbed onto her shoulder. Warechu turned toward IF "That's what you get for dumping free popcorn, chu! Onto the docks Linda!" "Don't say that out loud idiot! She heard us!" IF pushed herself off the ground and raised her hand toward the two criminals. Linda sped off with Compa as they headed toward the docks.

IF slowly got back up and pulled out her bike keys. She tapped the button in the middle and her motorcycle approached her from behind. She jumped on a tracked where the two criminals had last been. "Histoire! I need a shortest route to the docks from my position" Histoire sent the coordinates and travel path to IF. "IF, what happened. Did your date with Compa go poorly?" "Its those damn ASIC bastards! They Hit me in the back and kidnapped Compa" Histoire gasped "I'll send Neptune and Nepgear immediately!" IF followed the trail which led her to Planpetune's canals. IF followed the path Histoire gave her until she noticed Linda and Warechu loading Compa onto a speedboat. She pulled out her handgun and aimed it at the two kidnappers, but her vision started to get blurry from the injury and she didn't want to risk hitting Compa.

 _Linda and Warechu speed through the canal_

"What's the plan with this bimbo anyway, chu?" questioned Warechu as he chomped on his cheese. Linda smirked as she kicked Compa into the corner of the speedboat. "This broad's our ticket to a free life warechu!". "Free life, chu?". "Yeah man. Once I get promoted in ASIC, I'll siphon as much money as possible and we'll be set for life!". Warechu turned his head in confusion. " _We'll_ get a free life?" "Warechu…" Linda put her hand on Warechu's head and rubbed it softly. "You don't really want to work for this dump of an organization!?". "Well, what will we do afterwards, chu?". "We'll find out lil guy. We'll find out then".

"You sound like you're hitting on me, Chu" "W-what!? Shut you damn rat!?" "hey, just saying. No one can ever compared to my peach haired goddess Compa." Linda turned to Warechu with a confused face. "What?" "Oh right, I never told you about Compa, I bumped into her while at the mall one day. Oh my stars have I never seen a woman as beautiful as her. She brought me out for food and even bought me a gift!" Linda turned away from warechu with a very concerned and shocked reaction. "Enough about that though, who's this random bimbo we picked up?"

*bang bang bang*

Linda turned to her right to see IF firing her gun in the air. "Attention assholes! I am armed and loaded, the CPUs are also on their way! Stop now and we can make this easier for both of us". Warechu scoffed at IF's proposal "Does this bitch seriously think we would fall for that shit, chu". Linda pulled out a mic from the control board of the speedboat. "Can it police girl! I need this broad a helluvalot more than your skank ass! IF got infuriated by this response. She accelerated intensely and jumped off her bike, just grabbing the edge of their boat. "Is this bitch crazy!?" yelled Linda.

IF pulled out her hand gun and fired multiple rounds into the control board, causing it to malfunction. "Ah hell, Warechu, get over here!" Linda grabbed onto the mouse and jumped off the boat. Linda and Warechu crawled onto a nearby docking zone. "Why the hell did you do that, chu! I thought you said that was our ticket to a free life!". Linda got up and picked up the mouse. "See that over there lil guy?!" Far off in the distance a helicopter was approaching the canal. Off on the passenger side was Arfoire the CEO of ASIC. "You called the big boss in!". "Calm yourself down mickey. If anyone's guaranteeing us a promotion. It'll be her."

 _IF hanging on the edge of the malfunctioning boat._

"Get up Goddamit!" IF just pulled herself onto the boat and took the bag off Compa's head. Compass appeared unconscious, most likely due to passing out. IF picked up Compa damsel style and jumped off the boat just in time before it hit the end of the canal. IF landed perfectly onto the docking area as an explosion erupted behind her. She laid Compa down and woke her up. "Iffy?" Compa's vision was blurry and only slowly cleared up. She saw IF, with grime and scars across her face looking down at her. "Iffy… you saved me~" IF looked sideways in an embarrassed manner. "Let's never visit that area again"

IF carried Compa up the stairs of the docks. Only to be surrounded by a plethora of hooded ASIC goons. Carrying various bats and pipes. IF smirked and pulled out both of her handguns that she kept hidden. "All right asshats, I'm getting really tired of this shit. If it's a tango you want, here's your rose!" IF, pointed one of her guns forward and emptied multiple clips into the crowd of ASIC goons. One tried to hit her from behind, only for IF to backflip behind her as use them as a human shield for various attacks and projectiles. IF kicked the bludgeoned goon forward and fired a round into their head. She continued to fire forward until her handguns emptied. She tossed her gun in the air and dodged a swipe from a machete and pulled the knife from her boot upward and cut open the attacker's stomach. She pulled out a magazine and tossed it into the air, catching her handguns, she did a complete 360, catching the magazine with her gun and reloaded successfully. Firing and firing, multiple goons dropped from headshot after headshot.

IF detected someone approaching from behind. She pulled out her knife and swung back. IF found herself surprised when the figure grabbed her arm and simply snapped it. IF fell to her knees and screamed in agony. IF looked up and her eyes contracted when she realized who it was.

"Enjoying your dance, IF?" The tall imposing figure wore a witch like outfit. She kicked IF to the ground. "I'm impressed, for a human, you sure took down quite a bit of my cannon fodder. Nonetheless, your night ends here." IF charged back up and attempted to sock Arfoire in the head, only to freeze in shock after her knife ended up in her eye.

"AHHHH GODDAMIT!"

IF fell to the floor and pulled the knife out of her eye. Blood covered her face. "Where are your CPU friends now you insufferable cunt!" Arfoire summoned a sword through her magic power and implanted her sword into IF's non-broken arm. She twisted the sword until her arm went loose and came off. IF turned her head to see Compa seize up in shock. Linda and Warechu caught up to Arfoire. "Boss!" Linda examined the area and flinched at the sight of her dead comrades. "Damn, she really did a number on us."

IF put all of her strength into standing up barely holding her balance. Arfoire looked at the bloody brunette with curiosity. Arfoire picked up Compa with one arm. "This girl right here, you love her, don't you?" IF could barely move her mouth. "Don't… touch… her… you bitch!" Arfoire picked up Compa and licked the side of her face. Rage surged through IF's body,

"IF! Please, stop!" Compa yelled at IF "You won't be able to beat her!" IF looked up to see Compa in tears. Her hand reaching out as a sign for IF to stop. IF dragged her body forward and used whatever active nerves were left to move up her broken arm and grab it.

"Hey boss, are going to finish them off yet!" Yelled Linda who was loading up all the bodies onto a truck. Arfoire simply laughed. "They always have this generic melodramatic chat before I end their lives. Its rather entertaining to see my victims struggle and plead for their other lives"

'Wait a second!". Warechu walked up to Arfoire, realizing the woman who she was holding. "Compa! Is it really you!?" Warechu crawled toward Compa and his eyes widened profusely. "Oh my stars, Compa forgive me! I didn't think we had kidnapped you! "Mister mouse? What are you doing here!?" "Sorry Chu, but I though we were kidnapping some random bimbo, chu!" Arfoire got annoyed by Warechu and shouted "So what!? What matters is that we use her as leverage to clear our name from all criminal records!" "I want to clear my name too Chu, but I can't hurt Compa in the process!" Warechu jumped up and chomped on Arfoire's hand, causing it to bleed profusely. Arfoire kicked the mouse off her hand as he slid against the dark pavement. Linda crouched down and picked up the injured rodent. She looked at Arfoire who was about to decapitate IF while Compa screamed in terror. "Wait" said Arfoire. "It wouldn't be fun if I simply just decapitated you worthless scumbags". Arfoire turned to Linda with a devious smile.

"Linda, I want you to kill that rat, along with these two idiots, there's a shiny nice promotion waiting for you if you do. You didn't even have to go through CFW Magic, just a hard earned promotion straight from the CEO herself". Linda looked down at the Warechu who was bleeding and turned her head to see IF who was almost lifeless. "I'm waiting…" Arfoire teased. Linda dropped Warechu and tightened her hood which mostly covered her eyes. "Linda… wait…" begged Warechu. Linda ignored him and pulled out a baseball bat from the truck. She raised the bat into the air, right above Warechu. "I'm getting impatient Linda, finish that damn rat already!" Linda hesitated, and the lowered her bat and threw it at Arfoire. Arfoire cut the bat in half and walked toward Linda slowly"

"Foolish girl, you would throw away the rest of your future for the sake of that pathetic rat!" IF looked at Linda who was pushed against the truck and pulled out the handgun she had under her coat and fired it at Arfoire leg, causing her to drop down to her knees. Linda, shocked, raised up her bat and smashed it against Arfoire's head. Arfoire jolted back only to be stabbed by Compa who grabbed the knife from IF's jacket.

"Goddamit!" Arfoire threw down a smoke bomb and escaped, disappearing from sight. Linda grabbed warechu and ran far away. Not to be seen for a while. IF Limped her way toward Compa, Compa, being a nurse, was able set IF toward the ground, patched her up with whatever she had in her purse, and inserted a quick recovery syringe into her neck.

"Damn this date didn't exactly go as planned" Joked IF as she used what ever strength she has to stand up." "Iffy! Don't stand up!" Compa held Iffy, who responded back nudging her back. "I'll be fine Compa, I'll just get a prosthetic from Histoire later. IF jolted her broken arm against a wall to relocate it. She flinched in pain and stepped back. "What about Linda and the Rat?" "They ran off, I don't know where they went though".

IF held Compa's hand and walked toward a bridge that crossed over the canal. They stopped at the middle and looked toward the rest of the canal which led into the ocean. They looked up at the stars of the night sky and the turned to each other. "IF, are you going to be okay" "Don't worry about me Compa, I'm more concerned about you emotionally." "Oh Iffy, I don't understand how you can still maintain yourself after all the suffering you just endured." "Well, I had something to live for, a person that I knew needed me, just as much as I needed them." Compa Blushed and came closer to IF's face, though IF peculiarly held her back. "Iffy?"

Iffy smiled back at Compa and got down on her knees. Compa gasped and turned an intense red as IF pulled a jewelry box out of her jacket and pulled it open the top sensually with her mouth. Compa's legs started to shake as she held her hands against her face. A shining white diamond sparked in the lonely night.

"Compa…Will you marry me?"

Compa's heart beat sped up so intensely that she started to bleed through her nose. Embarrassed, she wiped the blood away. And nodded with tears falling down the side of her face.

"Yes! Yes of course I'll marry you!" Screamed Compa. IF stood up and wrapped her one arm around Compa's neck and pulled her closer. Compa asserted her dominance and wrapped her two arms around IF and lifted her in the air, their faces were close to each other and they closed their eyes. IF's lips contacted with Compa's lips as they shared a deep and sensual kiss. They moved their heads back and stared at each-other for a good moment, before returning to making out under the glistening stars.

The night was long as the Couple stood and circled each other on the bridge for a long time. The streetlights went out and all the nearby citizens had left home. But the two lovebirds still stood there, holding the other intensely. The mall's automated comms went off "attention all shoppers, it is now 10 minutes until closing time, please finish up shopping and head towards the nearest exit now." But the couple still stood there, caressing each other as if there was no other problem in the world.


End file.
